claims that helen was never physically present in the city at all

pain puts me in dissociative states.
i feel like the child of a planetless world.
like this is what it feels like when your body is actually jacked in to someone else's world and it lies jerking in a glass box and projects your mind into another world that's barely working. you can tell there is a fog in this reality. like when you are dreaming and lying on your arms so you cant fight and in night terrors where you are trying to scream and your body won't let you but you wake up with the sensation of  your lips trying to pry themselves away from each other. its like being at the edge of a black hole. the weird gravity keeping you from screaming. like the tension between two places at once stretches you inert. and your projected body is turning against  you more and more. manifesting the anxiety of you know something is wrong out there. in here. your joints hurt. there are shooting pains up your legs. inexplicable. you are secretly fat because you are gaining in only one place. it is hard to go outside. you lie in a patch of sunlight. you pull the shades and watch a program about another universe where people are in love and they help life forces on other planets. they are protecting each other. dissociative like i am not really living. like i don't know  how to break out of the viewing room of my own hell. dissociative like i cant change anything. i am watching myself fail at making small changes everyday like something else is making me move and i can't turn around fast enough to see it. for three years there is the constant feeling of trapped in hell with tiny windows of relief which quickly shatter back into a hell that cuts deeper. people act like they can take me away and share life but they don't trust me or anything and they don't forgive me or anything and i have forgiven so many cruelties & confessed to mine and I have put my forgiveness in the wrong hands too many times. it makes men a monster I cant control. when i was young and could use my body to get myself out of any situation and use my body to be ambivalent people treated me better. until they didn't. and even then I could still use my body, but i've never believed it and that is part of the problem. the first time I died for you and you could still not forgive me and told yourself we were made of different stuff well i still haven't healed and everyone who gives up on me after that only brings you back to remind me that i am fucked and i dont know how to find that door to get out of here. dissociative states like there is a faint light coming in at an angle through the front of my head but my eyes are turned backwards looking into the back of my head and most of the sensa seems to be located there too...instead floating in front of me or in 360 degrees around me a radius away from me where i can see it. its a congealed mass at the back right corner of my head or maybe behind it. dissociative states like i can't picture any of the words i am writing until after they've come out and i go back and read them. like they're running out of that mass in the back of my head through an opaque black tube.